Applying discipline without negotiating
There are dozens of ways to parent and, I believe strongly, neither one is any more right than another. However, there are also varying degrees of effectiveness, and some ways are far, far less effective than others.
On one end, parents who attempt to control every aspect of their children's lives especially when the children are in their middle to later teen years - find themselves battling ineffectively and ultimately losing. It's not uncommon for teenagers trying to assert themselves to move out inappropriately (sometimes into dangerous situations) because their parent or parents weren't able to find compromises or negotiate solutions. For younger children, attempting to control everything can build long-term resentment. On the other end, parents who allow their children virtually unbridled reign over the family, school, and community - kids who can
do most anything they want - are setting themselves up for a very serious problem in the future. Children who are allowed to use violence, aggression, verbal threats, crying, or other inappropriate methods to get what they want have an extremely difficult time in society, especially as they age.
But how do I balance “control?”
I have a saying: "Moderation in all things, including moderation". This speaks to parenting as well as most qualities of life. A parent must provide "lots of love and lots of discipline" to be effective -learning to do this well is an art form, one that few parents accomplish entirely, although many struggle successfully with it over the years. One of the first steps is to determine whether control is really necessary. This is known as "picking your battle" as a parent. Does it matter that much if your 11 year-old son doesn't like the neighbor kid, or your 5-year-old is crying because she didn't get her way? Parents oftentimes make the mistake of not letting children fail, and learn, on their own. But in issues of control that do matter, such as going to bed at night, avoiding dangerous situations, or being able to follow directions from an adult, parents need to win, they need to be in charge. For parents who have a particularly difficult time figuring out how to do this, a specialist in child and family therapy is always a great resource - even if it’s just to realize you’re doing the right thing and
only need to do more of it.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Identifying Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD)
Does Your Child Have ADHD?
Identifying Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders
Most parents today have some idea about ADHD, though many refer to it as ADD, an
older and now-defunct name. There are three kinds of ADHD.
The most common is hyperactive-impulsive type, where children seem to be driven by a
high-energy motor. They have endless energy and are jumpy, fidgety, squirmy, noisy, and
seem not to be able to calm down. Hyperactivity is a cause of many class disruptions and
can create a problem at meal times.This hyperactivity is almost-always combined with impulsiveness. Children struggling with this impulsiveness tend to frequently do things without fully contemplating all their options. It seems like they make decisions urgently and quickly when unnecessary. They appear to display their emotions without control, blurt out inappropriate comments, unintentionally offend people without thinking, and have extreme over-reactions to things happening around them. They may also have difficulty sharing or taking turns, because watching others have fun is difficult when a child with impulsiveness has to sit still.
The second kind of ADHD is inattentive type. Children struggling with this disorder have difficulty keeping attention on what they are supposed to be doing or hearing. It is difficult for them to stay focused on learning something new if they're not interested (however, if they're interested, they have few problems). The inattentiveness causes the child to make careless mistakes even when trying to avoid them. Children affected by this aspect of ADHD struggle with homework, as they forget to write down assignments, bring the wrong book home, or leave their materials at school. Homework, then, is very frustrating for children with ADHD, as well as their parents.
The third kind of ADHD is the combined type, where hyperactivity, impulsiveness, and inattention are all factors. As you might imagine, this is quite serious, especially in school, and must be addressed. The most common first step for treatment, although many parents are uncomfortable with it, is medication. There are more than a dozen varieties of medications that, for the most part immediately, vastly improve the child's ability to learn, and thus benefit from both school instruction and the intensive approaches of parent-child, behavioral modification systems.
Identifying Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders
Most parents today have some idea about ADHD, though many refer to it as ADD, an
older and now-defunct name. There are three kinds of ADHD.
The most common is hyperactive-impulsive type, where children seem to be driven by a
high-energy motor. They have endless energy and are jumpy, fidgety, squirmy, noisy, and
seem not to be able to calm down. Hyperactivity is a cause of many class disruptions and
can create a problem at meal times.This hyperactivity is almost-always combined with impulsiveness. Children struggling with this impulsiveness tend to frequently do things without fully contemplating all their options. It seems like they make decisions urgently and quickly when unnecessary. They appear to display their emotions without control, blurt out inappropriate comments, unintentionally offend people without thinking, and have extreme over-reactions to things happening around them. They may also have difficulty sharing or taking turns, because watching others have fun is difficult when a child with impulsiveness has to sit still.
The second kind of ADHD is inattentive type. Children struggling with this disorder have difficulty keeping attention on what they are supposed to be doing or hearing. It is difficult for them to stay focused on learning something new if they're not interested (however, if they're interested, they have few problems). The inattentiveness causes the child to make careless mistakes even when trying to avoid them. Children affected by this aspect of ADHD struggle with homework, as they forget to write down assignments, bring the wrong book home, or leave their materials at school. Homework, then, is very frustrating for children with ADHD, as well as their parents.
The third kind of ADHD is the combined type, where hyperactivity, impulsiveness, and inattention are all factors. As you might imagine, this is quite serious, especially in school, and must be addressed. The most common first step for treatment, although many parents are uncomfortable with it, is medication. There are more than a dozen varieties of medications that, for the most part immediately, vastly improve the child's ability to learn, and thus benefit from both school instruction and the intensive approaches of parent-child, behavioral modification systems.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Goodbye Temper Tantrums: 3 simple parenting concepts needed to change defiant children
If your requests are often met with mind numbing temper tantrums by your child, then you probably feel like most parents who struggle to regain control of defiant children. Do you find yourself always yelling? Seem like you’re constantly negotiating? Feel like you’re always battling for control?
Then you’re like most parents who have at some point in time, allowed their child to run the show. When this happens, most children learn to control and manipulate their parents through fear. The child figures if they scream and yell enough, then that they’ll get what they want. If not properly dealt with, then your life as a parent will not only be one endless hair pulling experience but your child is bound to lose out on learning the behavioral skills necessary to navigate through adulthood. A child should not be allowed to control an adult’s behavior through intimidation or the threat of a tantrum.
But by simply changing your mindset and how your parenting approach, you can quickly change your child’s challenging behavior. In order to the regain control, you must start by re-teaching the behavior you’d like your child to have. Parents need to stop talking, stop explaining, and certainly stop arguing. Instead of competing, follow these three simple but fundamental concepts to more effectively change your child’s behavior.
1.) • Simple
• Give directions in less than 3 seconds
• Once a direction is clear, a child can only comply or defy
• If the child complies, give a compliment
• If the child defies, consequence your child for immediate accountability
2.) • Respectful
• Model good behavior
• Remain calm
• Take space if upset
3.) • Consistent
• Make no exceptions
• Treat children the same
• Get adults on the same page
Remember, parenting is a learning process that we requires constant monitoring and refinement of not only our children, but of ourselves as parents as well.
Sincerely,
Then you’re like most parents who have at some point in time, allowed their child to run the show. When this happens, most children learn to control and manipulate their parents through fear. The child figures if they scream and yell enough, then that they’ll get what they want. If not properly dealt with, then your life as a parent will not only be one endless hair pulling experience but your child is bound to lose out on learning the behavioral skills necessary to navigate through adulthood. A child should not be allowed to control an adult’s behavior through intimidation or the threat of a tantrum.
But by simply changing your mindset and how your parenting approach, you can quickly change your child’s challenging behavior. In order to the regain control, you must start by re-teaching the behavior you’d like your child to have. Parents need to stop talking, stop explaining, and certainly stop arguing. Instead of competing, follow these three simple but fundamental concepts to more effectively change your child’s behavior.
1.) • Simple
• Give directions in less than 3 seconds
• Once a direction is clear, a child can only comply or defy
• If the child complies, give a compliment
• If the child defies, consequence your child for immediate accountability
2.) • Respectful
• Model good behavior
• Remain calm
• Take space if upset
3.) • Consistent
• Make no exceptions
• Treat children the same
• Get adults on the same page
Remember, parenting is a learning process that we requires constant monitoring and refinement of not only our children, but of ourselves as parents as well.
Sincerely,
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