Parenting with Balance and Control

Applying discipline without negotiating

There are dozens of ways to parent and, I believe strongly, neither one is any more right than another. However, there are also varying degrees of effectiveness, and some ways are far, far less effective than others.

On one end, parents who attempt to control every aspect of their children's lives especially when the children are in their middle to later teen years - find themselves battling ineffectively and ultimately losing. It's not uncommon for teenagers trying to assert themselves to move out inappropriately (sometimes into dangerous situations) because their parent or parents weren't able to find compromises or negotiate solutions. For younger children, attempting to control everything can build long-term resentment. On the other end, parents who allow their children virtually unbridled reign over the family, school, and community - kids who can
do most anything they want - are setting themselves up for a very serious problem in the future. Children who are allowed to use violence, aggression, verbal threats, crying, or other inappropriate methods to get what they want have an extremely difficult time in society, especially as they age.

But how do I balance “control?”

I have a saying: "Moderation in all things, including moderation". This speaks to parenting as well as most qualities of life. A parent must provide "lots of love and lots of discipline" to be effective -learning to do this well is an art form, one that few parents accomplish entirely, although many struggle successfully with it over the years. One of the first steps is to determine whether control is really necessary. This is known as "picking your battle" as a parent. Does it matter that much if your 11 year-old son doesn't like the neighbor kid, or your 5-year-old is crying because she didn't get her way? Parents oftentimes make the mistake of not letting children fail, and learn, on their own. But in issues of control that do matter, such as going to bed at night, avoiding dangerous situations, or being able to follow directions from an adult, parents need to win, they need to be in charge. For parents who have a particularly difficult time figuring out how to do this, a specialist in child and family therapy is always a great resource - even if it’s just to realize you’re doing the right thing and
only need to do more of it.